Confess, Assess, Recommit

Yep, it's that time again...Time for me to Confess, Assess and Recommit.

I confess...this picture sums up my week, and especially my weekend perfectly...

This past week has been ABSOLUTELY nuts for me. I was making notes on my phone of meals that I needed to write about and the list just kept getting longer and longer, as well as lower and lower on my list of things to do. I realized today, that I just needed to sit down and write my thoughts.

Confessing, Assessing , and Recommitting and a form of painful love, I guess, when it comes to transformation. I talked about "finding your Sarah" a few posts ago, and this process is one of the many things you do along your journey...to heal...and to get better.

So, I Confess...This last week was nuts for me! My days seemed to go by so fast. I kept a diligent record of all my eating and I did GREAT with my exercise. I was really proud of my efforts, but I noticed that at the end of my days, I lacked motivation to stay the course.

Assess- I know that this lifestyle I am working towards is the one I want to live. I also know that I need to have balance and that I still need to enjoy foods that are out of the ordinary for me every once in a while.

Recommit- I am so glad to be back on track today. I made a very successful meal plan of this coming week, I've stuck to it diligently, I've tracked everything, and I'm rocking my exercise and feeling great. I also have improved my grocery shopping habits, and that has helped tremendously. This is how I want to live my life.

2 days of, both literally and metaphorically speaking, too much on my plate does not need to derail my life's goal of living healthier.

I've heard it said that people can "fail their way to victory". I don't like to think that way. I prefer it as "falling". After you fall, you ALWAYS pick yourself back up...OR you RELY on someone else to help you. Both are acceptable, and no one judges you for either. I truly believe this is the same case with our lifestyle journeys. Failing is when you stop trying to be better and you neglect ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFESTYLE CHANGES...

Thus, my other confession...

I lost all grip on my healthy eating reality yesterday. I had no motivation on Saturday to eat well. My mind and my heart was just not in it...food was not interesting to me, and so I didn't care what I ate. Sunday was the same. I visited my in-laws and one single bite of a treat, now labeled as a trigger food that I was NOT AWARE OF before...led to a complete and total...dare I say it...binge.

"Binge" has such a negative connotation to me...So, I don't like to use it, but that is the only word accurate enough to describe my lack in control of my consumption of food. It was like, literally feeding myself pieces of poison that made my brain feel euphoric. It was a feeling I had never been aware of to experience. I didn't even care to stop, I just kept eating and eating and eating.

Don't believe me? I'm just going to bare all...I'm not going to bore you through my Saturday because I ended that day with 1 Weekly Smartpoint to my discretion. Sunday was the huge tumble off the cliff...Which, it didn't start out horribly food wise...but I didn't wake up the happiest...and I think that REALLY put a spin on my mental conviction to my lifestyle. But I'm telling you, tracking saved my sanity later that night when I reflected on my choices throughout the evening, and I was able to rise with the sunshine and exercise and eat well.

Sunday...you poor little thing...this is how you look in my tracker...

MORNING
1/2 medium Blood Orange
1 T Trader Joe's Crunchy Salted Almond Butter
1 slice Food for Life Ezekiel 4:9 Bread, Sprouted Grain, Low Sodium

MIDDAY
1 Nature Valley Chili dark chocolate sweet & spicy granola bar
1 Mini Babybel Light Semisoft Cheese Wedge
1 Bubba's Lite English Muffin
1 Egg
3 1/8 oz Kirkland Signature Turkey Breast Slices

EVENING
1 Bamboo Lane Crunchy Rice Roller
1 Piece of Lindt Gold Bunny and Friends Assorted Milk Chocolates
1/2 slice Harmon's Cake, Red Velvet 1 Layer
1/3 cup ice cream
1 cup New England Clam Chowder
1 T Raspberry Vinaigrette
1/2 T Cool Whip Whipped Topping
6 Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips
25 Mini Cadbury Eggs solid milk chocolate with crisp sugar shell
1 cup Irish Brown Stew
2/3 Sourdough Bread Soup Bowl

ANYTIME
2.5 oz Fudge

There you go...the cold hard truth of it all...

The beautiful thing about yesterday's experience? I learned how to better empathize with those of you who go through this on a weekly basis.

The only difference in me now versus me 6 months ago?

I've learned to not allow Guilt set in.

Of course, Guilt still tries to rear it's ugly head every day...but I don't give it power. I use my self-talk and get myself out and away from that pit of despair. After I consumed so much...I did not feel guilty. I felt really sick, but I laughed at myself. I couldn't believe how much food my body was able to consume. And do you know why I found it funny? Because I tracked every. single. piece. of. food. that. I. ate. Literally, every candy I put in my mouth, I just moved my serving size up 1...2...3...

So on, and so forth.

Mentally, as I confessed to M&M about my day...I realized I just needed that day. I needed to just let go of my eating. I don't know why I needed it...I truly don't. But after I did, I felt liberated and excited to exercise first thing this morning and I felt excited to meal plan and I felt excited to eat the way my body is used to again.
Did I have weird cravings today? Yeah! I totally did!

But did I allow it to control me? No.

My friends, when we fall, and as I said, I fell HARD...the worst thing we could do is belittle and berate ourselves.

The most healing thing we can do is to forgive ourselves of our shortcomings, and take a deep breath, and be filled with gratitude that you CAN do better in the morning. The sun always rises, and the sun always sets, and life goes on.

When you fill yourself with guilt, you rob yourself of the strength you can gain of the experience you just had. Sherlock Holmes, from the TV series,  Elementary, blew my mind and opened my eyes the other day. His assistant, Joan Watson, had been living with guilt of an accident that occurred during a surgery she performed. Because of that accident, a patient died, and the son of that patient had been looming in her life for money...hanging her mistake in front of her whenever it was convenient for him to receive monetary gain. She asked Sherlock for a raise, ultimately to help this boy our financially. Sherlock was quite upset that she would allow herself to be taken advantage of, but gave her $20k to pay off the young man and get him out of her life.

When she questioned Sherlock about the amount of money, almost quadruple her asking amount, he said this to her: "Watson, I've spent my entire career studying poisons. And amidst all my study, I have found guilt to be the most lethal of all."

Please, don't feel guilty about your mistakes. Don't beat yourself up because you can't explain why a binge happened, or why you couldn't stop yourself from consuming that bag of darn bag of Mini Cadbury eggs. You did it. It happened. I'm not judging you because I've been there too. But you know what? The sun set brings the close of one day's chapter, and the sun rising brings on a brand new day.

Breathe that in and live by it.

 Yesterday I ended my night -50 smartpoints. Tonight, I end my night -36 smartpoints. My exercise is doing great things for me, and I have not yet eaten the last 5 smartpoints of my day...which I know exactly how I will use. Tomorrow, I will be less than -36 smartpoints, and by Friday, I WILL be back in the positive range of having excess FitPoints to consume if I choose.

The sun has set on a good day, and the sun will rise on a even better one for me tomorrow.

Let it do the same to you.

Confess. Assess. Recommit. Forgive.

It will do wonders!!
Much love,
Camille