Summer is coming to an end, and, if you're like me, Summer was amazing. BUT, my weight is not exactly where it wants to be. At first, I was frustrated that I gained 10 pounds, but you know what? I've come to learn that loving myself is far more important that beating myself up for something that's done. I can now do something about it...forget my mistakes and go to work.
Read on to see some discoveries I've made to hopefully help you feel not so alone in the journey and encourage you to go ahead and make some changes that you've been putting off for a while. :)
This is a question that JD Roth asks you to ask yourself:
"Why Am I So Fat?"
I am currently reading The Big Fat Truth: Behind-the-scenes Secrets to Losing Weight and Gaining the Inner Strength to Transform You Life by JD Roth. Who's JD Roth? He's the executive producer of The Biggest Loser and Extreme Weight Loss. It's okay, I'd never heard of him either.
I love both these shows, more so Extreme Weight Loss and it's my life-long dream to meet, in person, Chris and Heidi Powell. Which, I'm SO BUMMED, because they are coming to SLC on the 30th of April for Utah' FitCon. Boo hoo...Graduation celebrations will be commencing...Here's hoping they will be around for next year's FitCon. Still dreamin', still hopin'.
This book has really gotten my gears working. Many of you who know me will say, "Camille, you are NOT fat. Just stop. Stop." And you're right...I know I'm not fat now.
I used to be...
When I show this picture to people, most of them say, "Awe, but you were still beautiful! Look at your beautiful smile!" *sigh* Yeah...but now...?
I get, "That's amazing. I just can't believe it"
The girl in black is a confident powerhouse and felt like the world was at her feet. Then depression started to sink in again, gained 6 pounds while her mother was in town for 4 DAYS, and she lost her mojo for 3 weeks and is seriously struggling to get back into the game.
My clothes still fit, alright? But I don't FEEL good...I know I've lost some muscle from the 3 week break and my 6 pounds are slowly coming off. My mind needs to get into the game, but I felt like I was floundering because old habits were creeping back.
Enter a book that is saving my life this week:
Heidi Powell was giving a shout-out for this book on her twitter feed, and so naturally, I had to buy it. And I'm so glad I did...
There is one phrase that JD mentioned only one time in his book thus far that has changed my outlook and helped me get up before 7:00am the past two days...I wrote it down on my mirror and I say it to myself when I "just can't"...
"I will live in the solution, not live in the problem"
Really?! As simple as that?! Mind. Blown.
I was really bogged down with the fact that my muscle mass has diminished, I have been super tired, I gained 6 pounds, I don't feel sexy...blah blah blah. What am I DOING?! I'm living in the problem.
I need to live in the solution! So? It's slow coming, but I'm finding my drive again to get exercising. Today it's a little difficult because family is coming in and I'm doing some introspection at the moment (i.e. reading this book).
That's my mantra right now and I'm taking this week to pick up speed and go all in on Monday when my workout cycle starts.
Now the big question to answer, Why am I so fat?
How did I let myself get there? How did I let myself get to the girl in the green shirt? I inwardly moan whenever I see this picture...because...that's not me! Even though it was me for my whole 24 years of life! Just in the past 2 have I really slimmed down and figured some stuff out...But today, I had an "aha" moment.
JD goes to talk about how time and time again people answer the question "Why are you so fat?" with the response: "I love food"
I say that ALL THE TIME! And I do! But, I'm thin now...and healthy. But even then...If I love food, why do I sometimes eat something that doesn't even TASTE good? If I loved food, why do I eat something over and over until I'm sick, and then eat more? Mind you, this doesn't happen hardly ever...but when it does, I don't know why.
I think I have finally found the answer.
When I was heavy, I hated food. I despised being hooked to it and I despised eating SO MUCH, SO OFTEN...but I couldn't stop. And that's the key... JD goes in to dive deeper to that answer and he's right, NO ONE could love food THAT MUCH!! No one could love food so much that you eat so much of it to purposefully gain 65-70 pounds of discomfort. More to love? Yeah right. I remember in high school that I wouldn't even let people touch me because I didn't want them to feel the fat on my body. I would wear this ugly black sports coat that was fleece lined, and I would sweat the whole da** day for fear of taking it off and having my "rolls" show. Always pulling at my shirt, always sucking it in, wanting so desperately to go under the radar.
Sound familiar to anyone?
As I'm reading and contemplating and discovering so much in so little time, a link to one of his ted talks is highlighted in his book and I go and check it out. He talks about potential and how a simple hug does so much...
Revert back to not letting ANYONE touch me in high school...flashback happens and, DING!, lightbulb goes off.
There was a young man in my high school that EVERYONE loved. He was the fit, tan, football, wrestling, you name it, life of the party guy. And...he always had a girl on his arm. We never became more than friends, but not for lack of trying on either one's part...it just never worked out.
But this friend taught me to start to love myself.
Freshman year, I was the new girl and he was the life of the party...but he'd always say hi to me in the hallways. More like, scream my name from the other end of the hall...and I was SO embarrassed until I got to know him. When we actually became friends, probably towards the end of freshman year, he started to randomly give me hugs. The first time? I was MORTIFIED!!
My thoughts? He is NEVER going to talk to me again! He felt my fat! I probably smelled horrible and I was so sweaty. I bet he is so grossed out! And all the thoughts of stupidity a 17 year old, insecure girl could come up with.
But do you know what happened the next day? Same thing happened...another hug. Just friends, right? Eventually, it turned into our way of saying we liked each other, accepted each other, but never did a dang thing about it...never telling each other until I moved away. Irony, right? Oh high school *snap a high school drama selfie*
But, that little tradition went on for 3 years. All freshman year that coat started to get a little heavier, until one day, JT screamed my name across the school field and held his arms out. I shed that coat (literally and mentally) and ran straight to him with a big smile on my face. And you know what? He caught me AND didn't drop me. And I didn't die. We chatted like best friends (yeah, how CLUELESS am I? Right? I never thought anything more because he always had a girl on his arm?!) and went on our way...me to volleyball practice and him to football or wrestling.
All that being said...this friend helped me so much. He is now married to a beautiful woman and I'm married to my wonderful husband. Each spouse perfect for the other. But, I can't help but reflect and thank this friend for those hugs way back when...They helped me come out of my shell quite a bit.
As for the over-eating? JD Roth goes to say, "Once you start accepting less of yourself, over-eating becomes a little easier." Why do we overeat? Why do we eat things we KNOW are not good for us? JD claims he can take a person and hang a necklace of donuts around their neck and they are not tempted in the least bit. Okay, my mouth WATERS at the idea of a donut, so I'm totally reading more wanting to know the secret.
You gotta fix your mind and your body follows suit. No one ever got fat by eating too many carrots and broccoli.
Today, I finally realized that my overeating trigger is...anxiety. Simple as that. I realized, just today, that I will overeat or give in to cravings to stuff down my feeling of anxiousness so that I can keep going, stay strong, and not let the anxiety show.
Now that I write it out...it's totally counterproductive...but I do it.
How did I discover this? My son had an MRI at 7:30am this morning. A routine MRI, but I always get anxiety when the nurses have to put the IV into his wrist, knock him out for 45 minutes, and ask me to leave him as they wheel him into a room with oxygen and tubing all over the place. I didn't even get to wait in the Recovery Room this time, I was asked to leave my things and was welcome to sit in the outside waiting room or get something to eat in the cafeteria. WHAT? Well? I chose the cafeteria because I needed to finish my breakfast and I had the intention of studying my book to get my mind off of things.
As I walk into the cafeteria, the smell of hash browns sends my stomach into a growl and my mouth a-watering. I pull out my little container of cottage cheese, cinnamon pears, and kashi cereal and, though I had seriously enjoyed the first half before I left for the hospital, the leftovers just made me say, "wah-waaah" and the hash browns sounded so much more appetizing. I went so far as to picture myself eating the hash browns! But, I finished my cottage cheese, and as I was justifying to buy some hash browns, with sausage, and probably some eggs...I heard "live in the solution...not the problem". If I sat in the cafeteria waiting for my son to come out of the procedure, I was living in the problem...I was living in the situation that was giving me anxiety. So? The solution? GET THE HECK OUTTA THE CAFETERIA AND DO SOMETHING! I grabbed my bag and walked right out of the hospital and did 2 laps around the hospital grounds.
I walked into the waiting room just in time...my little boy had JUST woken up and wanted his mom. The sedation meds aren't too friendly, as you can see in the picture above. BUT, we left the hospital safe and sound, and hash brown free.
My fellow readers, learn to love yourself. If you can't, reach out to those around you, find a support group, and lean on others (like I did) until you come to believe it. Love yourself for your weaknesses and work HARD to make them a strength. We can never change and never grow until we accept fault or weakness. When we are accountable and admit to ourselves what we need to change, we can begin to take the steps necessary to become who we truly want to be. As Shia LeBeouf would say, we can JUST DO IT!
Stay strong my friends, for this journey was never said to be easy...but when all is said and done, it's totally worth it.
Glad to be back,
Camille
You rock Millie!
ReplyDelete